Have you ever been so afraid of going insane and lose touch with reality that the only possibility is being provocative even if it goes against everything you believe in? Just to get a response that makes you take a step back from doing something too hasty like killing yourself? Have you ever thought about quitting and walk into the night and completely disappear from existence?
Have you ever wanted to delete yourself from reality in a way that makes everyone forget about you just because there seem to be no end of things that are too scary to think about for too long?
I did manage to be creepy in the opposite of the way I am. Just to see if there was reactions that made me sure if this really was happening. I wasn’t sure, I almost believed it yesterday finding things, but I haven’t been holding up very well under all this pressure. I had to write it so you’d get not ONLY mad but hate me, make me see it’s real. Because there is nothing as creepy as writing like I did yesterday and if it was real then there would be answers that came from more directions.
I am so so sorry. I just couldn’t believe it. I have read too much books and I knew everyone would be outcreeped. There is nothing as horrible as something getting into safe space. I am so sorry I made you feel that way.
I am so sorry, I wasn’t expecting it to be real. Not really. I am so sorry, I seem to have severe issues with trust and I am SO going to deal with that.
I have been so messed up by all this even if it has made feel better in a lot of great ways. But now I know it’s real. Cat blog as well. And cat Twitter. That made me understand. It’s just that this is way too much right now. It is real.
And I told Jackie. And I told her what I did and that I feel so bad about making nice people hurt just so I could keep living. It was selfish. But I needed something REAL for once. SOMETHING REAL. Not just clues and games and confusion. I have been so afraid all this time. I was in shock yesterday. Today I am a little too close to falling but I am at least admitting what I did.
I take responsibility and even if this is way worse than being tricked the first time, I did cause this. Just for my the sake of my sanity. I can’t explain it. I took the creepiest parts I’ve seen in people and bundled them together just because needed to see if it was happening, THAT would do the trick. Some patterns always lead to certain things.
I just didn’t know if it was real. I couldn’t make direct contact. I had to come out like the most stupid and crappiest creepy human ever. Because if it was real then this is what I’d be facing. True horror. Not anything my mind could create even if I was going insane. This is a true nightmare.
The worst horror isn’t being seen now, it’s that everyone think I’m something that I’m not. And because it’s real, then everyone regret helping me. Because I turned foul tricks hurting others.
There wasn’t any other way to be sure. I was falling apart real fast. I am so, so, sorry. SO sorry. I was just accepting weird things happening so I could stay alive. That’s the state I got in. Everything else got better but not logic. Because I saw no real reason for it, I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t understand. I am so, so sorry.
I am holding up right now having seen all that. Just holding up. I can’t believe what a mess I have created. Just because I thought kindness was nothing more than an idea that seemed nice in theory. I feel so guilty for turning that mean trick. I have been trying to be a bit creepy all along but that didn’t help. I had to switch up the gears. Way, way too high for me. I got way over my head just because I was so afraid.
You did write all that. Just to help. And this is what I did.
Always doing the rebel on the wrong things. Well, CRAP. I didn’t really believe it was happening. The only reason I am not falling now is because I even saw guidance in things I thought might be useful to become less afraid and I am training and challenging myself all the time now. And the cat did made me understand this is real. I have been so idiotic. I can’t even explain how close I got to insanity and that this was the only thing that could have saved me. That I made people really upset. Cat following me was kindness, I respond to that by managing my fear and explain myself because I don’t want anyone to feel afraid. Like I did just so I could understand. WELL CRAP. I am so upset with myself and I have no idea why but everything everyone has done has made me able to not hate myself and even if I am in a crappy state right now I will survive. I have no idea how I will be able to get through this weekend but I will manage because this is by far the most scary thing I have ever experienced. And I am holding up better now that I KNOW.
I never beg, but please. P l e a s e stop this. It’s too much. It’s more than a crash course in dealing with life. It’s going too fast and I can’t find any breaks. I can’t stop this, only you guys can. Please, just please delete. Please. I have saved manuals. Please, I can’t take this. I’m not strong. I can’t deal with this and life at the same time. I can’t get a hold of anyone who’s not zeroes and ones and I can’t not have anything real now. Just not giving in completely right now is the biggest challenge I’ve ever had to deal with. I am not giving up but I can’t stay up without your help.
I am in NO position to ask for anything, I know!
But I can’t fix this on my own. I can’t. Now it is real and I can’t not ask for help if I want to survive! I have tried get in contact with Maria and Vic as well but they’re busy and I’m falling the fuck apart. I haven’t looked anywhere but at the dogs and the cat and getting the email of cat following. I can’t go anywhere. I can’t get my bearings straight. I can’t do much anything really. I can’t even look out the windows. I’m not sure it’s a good idea posting this but I am so sorry for writing that post on purpose. I am so sorry. I just had to see if this was real. I am so, so, so, so sorry.
I got myself into this and I am trying to fix it. HAVE YOU EVER LIVED THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
I have lived through all sorts of crap but this was the true breaking point. Have you any idea how afraid I was? I was so afraid that I bit the hands that gave me treats, I never do things like that! I feel so ashamed of myself for turning that horrible trick. I feel so guilty and that’s what’s making me fall apart. The only thing keeping me standing strong is because I have learnt from all this. Even though I didn’t really think it was real.
After posting it I had a two hour walk with Donna and I just knew that in the morning I would know if I was supposed to get locked up, killed or worse. And WORSE means THIS. I didn’t expect it. Just that shows me that I have some serious issues with trust. And REGULAR kindness i probably should add. I am so sorry for turning that creepy trick on you just to make you scared so I would know if this was real all along.
Well, and now I messed up being the skeptic, always questioning the world. I probably should stop doing that.
No nightmares necessary, nothing is as horrifying as knowing I caused unsafety twisting the words to cause feelings that would create this. Just because I had to know so I could stay alive. I am so selfish and I am so SORRY. I must be utterly stupid for not accepting all that happening. I can’t fucking believe I did that. But please, please understand that I was desperate to know the real patterns. I couldn’t stay alive any other way.
Noone will understand what I’m trying to explain anyway so this is pointless and this is where I won’t ever accept kindness coming from directions where it’s not real right away. I feel like I won’t ever go anywhere I’ve ever been. I am so ashamed for what probably must be more horrible on every other line. I feel so bad about this, I am so sorry. I will never be forgiven for this. This is the real things nightmares are made of. I need to try get through this weekend and if I can make just another week and then I can maybe go on. I just need to find a way to be able to move. I have got stuck and time is moving too fast. Everything is. And I’m stuck in this state.
p l e a s e p l e a s e p l e a s e I know I made mistakes. I am so sorry for messing up and I deserve nothing else than this. I know that. I am so sorry. Just please, please stop. Please. I can’t explain myself better than this. I can only beg.
